


The Blues Hobbits

by vatine



Category: Blues Brothers (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:49:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5842210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vatine/pseuds/vatine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LoTR/Blues Brothers AU/cross-over mix-up thing</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting the Penguin

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written between 2003 and 2006. I've re-arranged the chapters into something approaching "internal chronologic order". The first part written as actually the scene with Gimli. I never got around to write the Rivendell scene and I doubt I ever will.

_Frodo_ Come on, Sam, we have to visit the Penguin!  
_Sam_ I don't want to.  
_Frodo_ You promised to visit her as soon as you were out of lock-up, you can't lie to elfs!  
_Sam_ OK, OK, I'll visit the Penguin! Sam and Frodo Hobbit make their way to Lothlorien, to see the Penguin.

They arrive and are just about to knock on the door, when it silently opens

_Galadriel_ Come in boys!  
_Frodo_ Hi, it's me, Frodo Blues and my brother, Osgiliath Sam.  
_Galadriel_ Sit down, boys. We're having problems. Unless I can get this ring here delivered to Mount Doom by Friday, they'll close Rivendell down and I'll be sent to the missions in the West.  
_Sam_ No problem, man. We'll just make it disappear...  
_Galadriel_ None of your filthy Hobbit thief tricks! I will not stand for it!  
_Sam_ Well, in that case, you're up Shit Creek without a paddle.  
_Galadriel_ **WHAT** did you say?  
_Frodo_ He said, "you're up Shit Creek, without a paddle"

The Blues Hobbits are roughed up by Galadriel and fall out of the tree. At the bottom, they meet the old wizard.

_Gandalf_ If it ain't Sam and Frodo Blues! Haven't I told you never to be rude to elfs?  
_Sam_ Hell, what's all this ring business about?  
_Gandalf_ Well, if we don't get that there ring to Mount Doom by Friday, the Infernal revenue will close down Lothlorien for good and I'll be homeless and so will all the ones living here.  
_Sam_ And what's that got to do with us?  
_Gandalf_ I know what you hobbits need. Head off to Rivendell, where Reverend Elrond is preaching. Listen to him, that'll do you good, a bit of elfing up.


	2. A ride in the park

Osgiliath Sam and Frodo Blues are charioting along with the Blues Mule  
Bill through Edoras, as they come up to a long line of horses backing  
up from a bridge.  


  
A ranger approaches

  


_Frodo_
     What's the problem, sarge? Why are all these horses backed up?
_Ranger_
     Edoras Nazguls. They won a judgement yesterday so they're marching  
today.

[ _On the bridge_ ]

_Leader_
     The Orc is supressing you! The Numenorans are suppressing you! We  
are the Edoras Shadow People's Party and we are for upstanding  
followers of Morgoth. National Horseism is the One True organisational  
form. Join our party today. The Edoras Shadow People's Party needs  
your help. The followers of Numenor have taken over your monetary  
institutions. They steal your manure. They...

Sam and Frodo stop, listening to the grumbling of people in the  
backed-up line. They look at each other questioningly and suddenly  
nod. The Blues Mule Bill pulls out of the line and starts plodding  
towards the bridge, picking up speed as it approaches.

_Leader_
    ... your precious bodily fluids. The Dwarf seeks to marry your  
daughters and steal every single scrap of your decency. Join us, the  
Edoras Shadow People's Party today. The Elf will try to... Hey! Stop  
that mule!

As Frodo starts driving over the bridge, the three shadowy forms jump  
off the bridge, into the small creek underneath.

_Sam_
     Edoras Nazguls! I fucking **hate** Edoras Nazguls!
_Leader_
     Henchman! Write down the description of those hobbits! They will  
pay for this
_Frodo_
     Yeah.

  
Sam and Frodo continue on their way.


	3. Gathering the Fellowship

[ the scene is a dwarf wayhouse, the door is pushed open and Frodo Blues and Osgiliath Sam walks in, ordering food]

[ In the kitchen, Gimli is busy cooking up a new batch of food, when his wife comes in ]

_Wife_
     Gimli, there's two hobbits out by the counter. The fat one ordered two grilled boars and a pint of ale
_Gimli_
     Sam!
_Wife_
     and the thin one ordered two dry toasted slivers of lembas.
_Gimli_
     Frodo! Shit, It's the Blues Hobbits!


	4. The Prancing Pony

Frodo and Sam arrive at the Prancing Pony, walking up to Pippin, the  
maitre'd.

Sam:
    We're recreating the fellowship and we need you.
Pippin:
    No way. I'm happy here. It's good work and decent pay,  
mushrooms.
Frodo:
    But we need your banter!
Pippin:
    Ain't happening.
Sam:
    We've got Gimli on.
Pippin:
    But you don't have Merry and the Magic 'Shrooms.
Frodo:
    They're next.
Sam:
    We want a table.
Pippin:
    Come on guys. The pints are, like, expensive. I'll take you  
across the road and buy you a mild. On me.
Frodo:
    You heard him. A table.

  
Sam and Frodo walk in to the common room and take a seat. They order  
fried mushrooms, a pint of stout and a shrimp cocktail. Frodo hauls  
out two fake beards and they put them on.

Sam:

     _leaning back and turning to the family behind them_  
  
Nice men you have. They'd be good miners. How much for the boy and  
the husband?  
  

Frodo:
    We pay in good dwarf gold.  
  

Sam:
    How much for the men? Hmm? How much? We want to buy your son and your  
husband.  
  

Woman:
    Maitre'd! Maitre'd!  
  

Pippin:
    Yes, ma'am? What can I do for you?  
  

Woman:
    Those dwarfs. They're offensive! We want a new table!  
  

Frodo:
    Pippin, we're putting the fellowship together.  
  

Pippin:
    Stop! Please! Just go away.  
  

Sam:
    Unless you join us, we'll be back at the Pony for breakfast, second  
breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon snack, tea, evenmeal,  
dinner and bedfood every day.  
  

Pippin:
    You can't do this to me.  
  

Frodo:
    We're putting the fellowship together again. We're on a mission from  
Illuvatar.  
  

Pippin:
    OK, OK, you're going to ruin me anyway.

  
  
Pippin sits down at their table and downs a pint.


	5. Bombadill's Country Bunker

The Blues Hobbit Rythm & Ring Fellowship are desperate for a

gig. Frodo and Sam have told the rest of the Fellowship that they  
have a gig lined up.

Of course they don't, but both Frodo and Sam know that they're  
good-enough to be able to blag themselves in anywhere, except possibly  
the Isengard prison (even if they could blag themselves in, they'd  
probably not be able to blag themselves out again).

As they cross the countryside, Frodo spots an illuminated sign on the  
other side of a copse, reading _Bombadill's Bumpkin Bunker_.

  _Gimli_

     So, this gig, where is it?
_Frodo_
     Well, guys, we're playing at Bombadill's  
Bumpkin Bunker. It's just up ahead. Get your instruments ready.
_Gimli_
     Man! You sure about that? We're a Rythm & Ring band and Bumpkins  
usually go for Bumpkin & Rohirrim. Well, you the man.
_Sam_
     Don't worry, Frodo has this in hand. After all, we got the gig off  
Saruman. It's legit. Don't you worry.
_Frodo_
     Hear. Don't worry, I'll go in first, you off-load the instruments.

Frodo pulls up outside Bombadill's Bunker and they enter.

  _Frodo_

     Hi, there, Ma'am, we're the band.
_Goldberry_
     You are? You don't look like the Good Ole' Horseboys? They're  
usually taller, with beards and shoes.
_Frodo_
     Well, Ma'am, we were deprived during our youths. Not enough oats  
to feed us and the horses. We're just a bit... stunted, is all.
_Sam_
     Yeah, stunted.
_Frodo_
     Don't you worry. The rest of the Good Ole' Blues Hobbithorseboys  
are just outside, off-loading our instruments. Could you show us where  
the stage is and we'll get ourselves set up.
_Goldberry_
     Certainly. You see that cage? That's where the stage is.

The Fellowship unload all instruments and start setting up on stage.

  _Goldberry_

     Boys, this is Tom Bombadill, my father and the proprietor of this  
establishment.
_Frodo_
     Howdy, Mr. Bombadill!
_Tom_
     Howdy, fellas! I'm Tom Bombadill and this here is my Bumpkin  
Bunker. Y'all can call me Tom. Can I get y'all anything to drink?
_Fellowship_
    _A pint of ale!_
_Tom_
     Well, I'll get y'all a pint. Why don't you tune your instruments  
and whatnot?
_Frodo_
     Oh, Tom, if you don't mind, what kind of music do you usually have  
here?
_Tom_
     Oh, we like everything! Both Bumpkin and Rohirrim!

The Fellowship set all their instruments up and sip their pint, as customers start trickling in, drinking eating and generally making

jolly.

_Tom_

     Welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm Tom Bombadill and this here is  
Bomadill's Bumpkin Bunker. Tonight we have a special treat for you,  
the Good Ole' Horseboys...
_Frodo_
     _[whispering]_ Good Ole' Blues Hobbithorseboys
_Tom_
    ... The Good Ole Hobbithorseboys. A big applause for these chaps,  
right out of the centre of Rohan!
_Audience_
    _Hands clapping._
_Frodo_
     Thank you, thank you, thank you. We'll start by playing a little  
ditty that's very popular, back home. I hope youse will enjoy this as  
much as we will.

The Blues Hobbits Rythm & Ring Fellowship launch into a masterful rendition of Pomp & Circumstance.

  _Audience_

     Boo! Boooooo! What's this'ere crap? Booo!  
_Pitchers, tankards, horns, small kegs and the occasional child are_  
thrown towards the stage, showering the Fellowship in mead, ale, beer,  
glass and wood splinters.
_Tom_
     That ain't no Bumpkin or Rohirrim what I have ever heard! What the  
Mordor is this?

Tom puts the stage lighting out, the music rapidly goes quiet and the  
torrent of objects flowing towards the stage slowly peter out.

_Gimli_

     Nopes, they don't like this. what do we do now?
_Legolas_
     The theme to Rawhide?
_Frodo_
     Excellent. That should work a treat. Everyone, the theme to  
Rawhide.

The Fellowship take up the theme to Rawhide and the rest of the  
evening passes mostly uneventful. After a few hours of playing, the show winds down.

_Frodo_
     So, Tom, eh. We've played and we'd like to discuss compensation.
_Tom_
     Well, that's 200 silver for playing tonight, minus 250 silver for  
the ale and mead y'all drank.
_Sam_
     But? Drinks for the band are usually free.
_Tom_
     Are y'all refusing to pay? Do I need to turn y'all into toads?  
What's this about "free" I hear? Ain't so such thing in Bombadill's  
Bumpkin Bunker!
_Frodo_
     No, no, no. Of course we're paying. We'll just have to cut you a  
check.
_Frodo_
     _[whispering]_ Sam, get out, get everyone on the Blues Mule  
Bill and be ready to roll off when I give the signal.
_Sam_
     Yep. Cut a check.
_Tom_
     Well, good on ya. Honest guys, you lot. So, this check y'all are  
cutting?
_Frodo_
     My associate is going out to our stock check, right now. He has  
this favourite chisel for cutting checks. It's in our Blues, eh,  
carriage. But I will need to vut my countermark in it too, so if we  
can step outside, I'll just countercut it and you should be ready to  
go.

Tom Bombadill follows Frodo out to the now fully-laden Blues Mule Bill  
and the Blues Carriage. He doesn't seem too suspicious.

_Frodo_
     OK, I shall now counter-cut the check. I need to use my favourite  
chisel. And I usually use the front of the carriage as a support. So I  
shall just climb up on it. OK, I am by the check and I have my  
chisel. Sam, hit it.

The Blues Hobbit Rythmm & Ring Fellowship disappear towards the  
horizon...


End file.
